He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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