Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
