basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
