if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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