He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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