Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
