I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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