Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Randomize