Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
