Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
