The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
