why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
