I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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