This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
