youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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