And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
