there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
