I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
God I need to hump something, right now.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
