Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
