Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
