just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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