you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
