I'm gonna have a badass scar
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
