Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
