i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
