How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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