I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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