It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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