and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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