I will die if light touches me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
