I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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