I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
