Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I will pee on everything he values.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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