i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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