Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
