Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
