All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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