thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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