I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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