I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
