3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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