Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
