i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
