This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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