thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
