Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
