His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
