I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
