one might say we're banned from that church
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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