My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
