Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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