Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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