pop tarts are not kleenex
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
