i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
