i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
