I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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