Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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