Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
