I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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