I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
