They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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